Wisdom From The Heart

I have been absent for some time but I have been diving deeper into my own inner world. It’s been messy, I am not going to lie.. but I want to share this little writing about my thoughts. Maybe you can relate to it. I hope it helps or inspires you somehow.
That’s a picture of my mom back in Russia in the cold winter, I think it fits my writing perfectly. 🩵

I was born with a jacket, actually I was born with a winter coat to protect myself from the harsh winter mother Russia had to offer. It is not just protection from the cold but it is also protection from the coldness inside of humanity. But instead of this coat being nice, furry and warm it has become my second nature. Not only was it protection but it has become a shield from people. Seeing others hurt others and being influenced by people around me I held on to this coat for dear life. I have started relying on this protection in the hopes that it would keep me from getting hurt. Yet I was hurt time and time again because the hardness others projected onto me did not make any sense to me. It entered into my heart as my sensitivity wasn’t valued nor was it praised. My kindness, my softness, my innocence wasn’t validated or accepted. Instead I grew older and I became hard adjusting myself to the coldness of humanity. I started to behave as I was treated. And so the layers of pressure of being someone I wasn’t inside were put unto me.

Year after year this coat became thicker until I couldn’t find the real me inside of it. It became so big and so thick that I couldn’t breathe anymore. This is how anxiety became a part of my identity.
Not being able to cope with responsibilities, expectations, desires from outside of myself, trying to fit in and oblige into the worldview of what kind of woman / daughter / friend / provider I should be… And this was simply too much for me to bear. Also because those around me had the same thick coat as me I was never taught that it was ok to take it off occasionally and seek the warmth of my family to feel the protection I so much needed. I have actually never been able to feel their warmth because they had lost themselves in the (dis)comfort of their own winter coats. I have never  known that it was a possibility to simply take this coat off and allow myself to just be. I could sit by the fire with a hot cup of coco to warm up, I could curl up on my parents lap if I wanted to or I could simply play in the snow in my pj’s. I have never realized that the coat is imaginary and that if I wanted I could make it vanish with a snip of my fingers, because after all: I am pure magic.

Until this day I am still learning how to take off my coat. It has become much thinner and lighter, something of a raincoat with an umbrella in my hand. Right now I am learning how to be playful in the rain: to dance and to sing even when it’s pouring. I am becoming more aware of how to take life with a grain of salt and to see that I don’t have to protect myself by putting on a shield in a way that is harmful towards myself. The protection comes from within myself: it comes from the warmth that I have always had inside.

I am learning to appreciate all seasons and to allow myself to be a reflection of it without needing to fit into an image created by the illusions of our society. I don’t have to be anything but what nature intends me to be. Nature is simple and so I choose for nature’s path as it is a reflection of my soul.

I release all judgement about myself for not being the perfect human being and for not being who others want me to be. It is now time to step out of outdated roles and labels created by society simply to feel accepted and valued.
We can create our own tribe if we take off the protection towards each other. I see you and I want you to see me: no more secrets or hiding. Show me who you are and you will be able to see the real me.

I wish for everyone who reads this to truly be themselves without feeling the need to hide or run away.

Love is all we truly need.