My struggle for a long time has been to find my own freedom, my own voice, my own independancy, my strength, my true power. For as long as I can remember I have always been trying to please others. But what happens when you try to do that is that you feel trapped, you feel like a bird locked in a cage with no way of spreading your wings to fly. People can make you feel so small sometimes because they feel you should be a certain way and after many years you start to believe them. You actually get brainwashed in thinking you need to be someone you are not. What happened to me is that I held anger inside because of this. When you always try to do the right thing and you keep taking the punches because you don’t know any better. But deep down inside you hold this energy and it gets bigger. Every time someone would tell me what to do in a bossy way I would get angry, this anger came from deep down inside. I could not stand people that felt the need to boss me around and tell me what I should be doing. When you carry anger inside of you, you will meet people that will push your buttons. And usually they are people that are close to you.. your boss, your parents, a family member. These are people that you have to deal with whether you like it or not. But it can also be random strangers that say something that you feel overstepped a line. It depends on how deep your anger goes and has been building up. For me it was years and years of emotional oppression by society that made me feel this way. It was making me feel like I had no voice, like I was not heard.
Anger is just another form of pain trying to express itself. Anger is pain of not being able to be free to be your true self.
I have been removing layer after layer of the false beliefs about myself. I realized that I believed that I had to be sweet, nice, kind, good in order to be the right kind of person for everyone else. Because this is what school teaches you too, right? You have to be good and smart in order to get good grades, because if you don’t you fail and you will get punished and others will think less of you because you did not live up to their expectation.
This means you have let others dictate on how you should be, you have allowed others to come into your space and decide who you are. And at some point the anger will turn into rage because your soul cannot be inauthentic for so long. It will make you FEEL that you are heading the wrong way, that you are not following your heart.
Don’t be afraid to look your anger in the eye, address the issues that you are feeling when you get triggered with anger. Dare to go deep into yourself and search where your pain is coming from.. who has made you believe that you are not good enough? Be brave enough to search for the reason why you are feeling this and have compassion for yourself and for others who have brought you these lessons.
Because there is a reason why you are feeling this way and it is coming up for you to heal and to forgive and love yourself.
Loving yourself is a process that takes time. Taking the steps to look deep within yourself is a step towards selflove.