This year has been one where I have released what seems to be lifetimes of deep pain. Especially the second half of 2019 has been one a transformative one. But the last two months have been the cherry on the pie.
I have struggled with anxiety since I was a child. I have never known what it was and nobody ever explained to me why I would have to grasp for air when I had to read in front of my class. Or why my heart would be racing like crazy every time I had to speak in front of others. I accepted it and I would avoid being the center of attention for most of my life because I knew I would feel like that again.
The last four years have been so intense in releasing old emotions: I would go through everything I have pushed away all my life.
So many belief systems, patterns, fears would come up for me to be faced. There has been no turning back from the point that I chose for my own happiness instead of making others happy. I consciously made a choice to love myself and so my journey had begun. I will share how it all started at another time. At this time I want to share the biggest insight I have had this year.
Since November this year my worst emotions came to surface. That which I have been feeling all of my life and trying to avoid but never knowing when I would be hit by it. While I was feeling the new energy of change coming in: love, abundance and joy I would also feel my old and familiar emotion come up: anxiety and full on panic attacks. Simultaneously with the excitement of the new I would feel the fear of the old. Every time I wanted to make a step forward in creating something new for myself I would get hit by a wave of anxiety. Every time I would post something on my blog or my page I would get really scared and I would get panic attacks. It came seemingly out of nowhere and I had no idea why it would frighten me to do something simple as posting or even making a new offer for my art creations. All of it would push me deep into my fears that were in my subconsciousness and all I could do is go through it, feel it, comfort myself and endure it. I would not sleep for nights because even when I would fall asleep I would wake up from feeling deep fear and stay up for the rest of the night. I was terrorized by this fear until a few days ago where I was given the reason and the root of this fear. So that you can understand I will share a little more about myself.
I was born and raised in Moscow, Russia until the age of 7. My mother and father had decided to move to another country from the moment that the possibility was given by the government . We packed all of our most important belongings in two suitcases and we took the plane to Europe. I left behind my family, my friends, my home, my environment, my school and everything that I have ever known. The foundation that was built and that I had as a child was gone and I had to accept all that was new. A new school, a new language, new teachers, new children, new home, new mentality, new culture. I felt different, I was treated differently, I understood things differently, I felt lost. I did not realize what an impact it had been on my little self to go through something life changing like that until a few days ago. All I ever wanted is to fit in with all the rest and to be able to keep up with others. Which resulted in me trying to make others happy to feel loved and accepted.
This is where my anxiety comes from: I fear change because in my subconsciouness change is equal to loss of my foundation. Opening myself to the unknown and the new was the same for me as giving up everything that I already had built. My inner child has a deep fear of losing my loved ones, losing my security and protection, financial security, comfort, stability.. so every time my inner child would feel the change on the horizon it was enough for it to panic and give me immense fear of loss. No matter how good this change would be: in my subconsciouness change is equal to loss.
This is the root of my anxiety and my fear of fully stepping into my power. It has gotten so bad that something simple as making a post would bring up this fear. It would paralyze me each time I would want to fully embrace the power that I have within me and value myself to my full worth. It would warn me that there is danger of losing everything that I love.
Why am I sharing this? Because each of us have the fear of loss in us, it is a collective core wound. You have gone through loss for so many lifetimes and perhaps in this lifetime as well. It might seem irrational, it might seem ridiculous and completely out of place but we all share the same fears even if we don’t recognize them. My soul has chosen to heal this in this lifetime as this has been a big issue for me in many other lives. By becoming aware of this fear I was able to start the process of healing. My inner child needed reassurance, compassion, understanding and a lot of love to help her feel safe again. Each day I am talking to my subconsciousness and re-programming the belief that receiving love will cause me to lose everything I have. It is safe to trust the unknown, it is safe to trust change and to welcome the new into my life.
Abundance, joy, freedom, expansion are all coming and the fear to receive it is now over. This core wound is being healed in the collective energy field and all is about to change for the better.
2020 will be the time of magic, manifestation, fulfilling dreams after years of clearing and planting seeds for the future. The future that we are dreaming of is waiting for us! It is time to open up and to receive now without anything standing in the way.
I value myself more than ever before and I can now see that all I have been through as a child were not little things. I am no longer making myself feel like they were not important. What I felt, saw and thought have a huge impact on who I am now and I choose to embrace them with love.
I added a picture of myself around the age of 5 with my best friend and mom while we were still in Moscow. The outfits we used to wear there always make me smile. The huge bows on our heads are so funny. I have only seen my friend at the age of 16 again for the first time when I went back to Moscow. Sadly enough she passed away a few years later. I missed her dearly when we left and she is forever in my heart.